Monday, 2 January 2017

Looking Forward


I'm back. Hopefully for good this time. I've missed this blog, and reading books I care about, and mostly the community that I was once apart of. So many times have I fallen off the blogging bandwagon, and so many times i've come back with a "new dedication" which usually wears off after a few weeks. After taking almost half a year away from the blog, I feel my fingers start to twitch with the want to blog again. I feel the need to get back into the community and to learn what's out there.

This past year has been so fucking hard for me. Now, I don't want to spread the rhetoric that "2016 was horrible blah blah blah" because this year held amazing things for me: I finished my second year of university. I started my third year. I got to study amazing things. I got to travel. I went to New York City. I saw Hamilton, and Fiddler on the Roof, and Fun Home, and met some of my idols. But it was also filled with negativity. My mental health has never been lower. My anxiety took over my life. This past semester was super overwhelming and stressful. My grandmother passed away. I spent an entire year away from my family. I lost friends. But all years have ups and downs, and the goal is to make the lowest highs higher than the highest lows...

Does that make sense?

I think why I let this blog fall to the backburner is because I was anxious about it. My anxiety manifests itself inward, with a lot of self criticism that it totally out of left field and is mainly stupid. But I started to notice that my posts didn't get a ton of views, or that other blogs were bigger than mine, and my anxiety took over, and instead of being motivated, I shut down. I stopped because I was scared. I started blogging and I loved it so much because I was doing it for me, but somewhere along the way I started feeling like I was doing it for someone else, and that wasn't fun.

I also felt an immense pressure to talk about things that I didn't want to talk about. This pressure mainly came from my involvement with academia. I started feeling that by reading and enjoying YA and the things I loved, I wasn't academic enough, so I stopped reading the books that I really wanted to read. Which is maybe the most idiotic thing that I could have let happen. In my personal life I am the largest advocate that YA is literature and holds as much merit as literary fiction and adult fiction. YA is valid in terms of content, character, and genre. My anxiety allowed me to get pushed around.

I know this is coming off a bit like i'm not taking accountability for myself, which is a problem, but I'm writing this to keep myself accountable. I love this blog, and my god i've missed it. I making this a priority, and I cannot wait to see what this year brings.

If you've stuck around throughout this whole post, thank you.

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